Ask a College Expert: Meet Vicki Nelson

We are pleased to announce a new interview series: Ask a College Expert.
 
While we pride ourselves on the expertise of our staff—each full-time staff member holds an advanced degree (counseling, special education, neuroscience, and cognitive psychology are among our staff’s many areas of study)—we are always learning!
 
We interviewed our favorite authors, disability specialists, educational consultants, college counselors, and college planners for their advice and insights. In this series we’ll explore the Common App essays, requesting accommodations, making college lists, taking a gap year, the changing role of parents, cognitive assessments, and more. 
 
We open the series with a conversation with Vicki Nelson the host and founder of The College Parent Central Podcast. She is an educational consultant with four decades of experience in higher education as a college professor, academic advisor, and as an administrator.

Focus Collegiate: You have so many areas of expertise, what is your specialty?

Vicki Nelson: Specialty is an interesting word. I think the one thing I do bring is the combination of being a college professor who works with students every day and being a parent. I can look at it from both perspectives. I teach communication—all of the things students try to avoid like public speaking, basic communication skills, intercultural communication, non-verbal communication, and effective listening.

FC: Why are you so great at what you do?

VN: Laughs. Thank you. The podcast and website have provided me an opportunity to explore everything that has to do with the world of the college parent. I get to get out of my communication niche and read all the books on all the topics. It’s fun! I enjoy it because I keep learning new things.

FC: What inspired you to start your podcast College Parent Central?

VN: It started when my kids were in the college process getting ready and going to school. I realized how overwhelmed I was by the process—applications, financial aid… This is my world. I live and work in higher ed and I was overwhelmed. What must it be like for other parents? I spoke to a colleague who said the same thing. The college allowed us to offer workshops for parents during orientation, which at the time wasn’t exactly typical. There were no parent-to-parent opportunities then.

In 2009, I started the College Parent Central website to reach a wider audience. At the time, there wasn’t much out there for parents. Then in 2019 we added the podcast for people who preferred to listen rather than read.

FC: How does a parent’s role change when they drop their student off at college?

VN: Laughs. It’s such a good question because it recognizes that the role does change. Parents need to come to terms with how it’s going to be different.

“Caretaking to Coaching” is the title of the workshops we do. This is the transition parents need to make. When your kids are living at home, parents are usually caretakers—keepers of the big calendar on the fridge. When students go away to college, the shift is to being a coach. Any good athlete will say “I could not have done it without my coach.” But the coach cannot play the game. Bill Belichick doesn’t say to Tom Brady, “Let me take this play,” his role is different. Parents have to step back and realize they are on the sideline but are still valuable in the game.

They fear they’re done. You send your student away and you have no role anymore. It can be really scary, but also freeing.

FC: What in your opinion is the parent role in the college apps process?

VN: Ooh. Loaded question because in my opinion the college admission process is out of control. It takes over so much for all of us.

I would say parents need to be part of the process, but it really needs to be the student’s process. They need to be the one in the driver’s seat—that’s another analogy. When my kids got their learner’s permit, I had to get into the passenger seat. It was the scariest time in my life. I did not put them in the car by themselves; I had to be part of the process.

One thing I suggest to parents is ask their student why they’re going to college. For many families, it is assumed to be the next step, but if the student has to think about why—freedom, job, expanded thought—this will make a difference in what kind of schools the students will look at.

Start early so they are not overwhelmed. They can start to get pretty wound-up, but parents can be the calming factor in this process. Bring some perspective and help students keep an open mind.

Have the financial conversation early, especially if there are set limits. Parents can do some research regarding loans. There are many things a parent can do without being in the driver’s seat.

FC: On your website, you talk about the delicate balance of guidance, appropriate involvement, and knowing when to get out of the way. When should a parent get out of the way?

VN: Laughs. Anytime the student can handle the situation on their own, which is often more often than parents think. In high school, parents are on the parent portal. They are expected to keep track of when students have homework and quizzes, etc. This is not parent territory in college. It is not appropriate for parents to call the professor or counselor.

Sometimes students need some coaching on how to handle things, such as ‘here is how to start the conversation’ then let them advocate for themselves.

FC: What are signs a student might give that the parent needs to get out of the way?

VN: Before the student goes away, it’s important to talk about is how to communicate and how often. Negotiate a manageable communication schedule. If the student stops communicating the way you agreed, then maybe that’s a sign that they want you to step back a little bit.

Barbara Hofer, author of The iConnected Parent: Staying Close to Your Kids in College, did a study about communication between parents and students in college (this was before texting). She found students communicate most with their parents during freshmen and senior years, the transition years.

When you start to feel confident that the student is to be handling things, it’s time to get out of the way. The goal is to step back more and more over time.

As you notice that students are standing on their own two feet, step back. 

FC: What is a parent’s most challenging job during their student’s first year of college?

VN: Holding back. Stepping back is hard especially if you see your student is uncomfortable. Recognize that some homesickness is normal. Most students may experience some unhappiness. The first six weeks of college are the hardest. It is tough to encourage them to stay on campus, but the weekends are so important on campus.

FC: What are common examples of parents overstepping in college?

VN: Calling professors, communicating directly with the college. It’s always appropriate if you’re worried about their safety.

Trying to serve as the student’s tutor or editor. Encourage them to find a writing center on campus. Do not try to do for the student what the college has resources to do, so the student can have some independence.

FC: Is there anything I haven’t asked that you’re just dying to be asked?

VN: Laughs. I wish I had more opportunities to talk to parents in conversation. Podcasts and websites are great, but they are one way. I’d love more in-person conversations. When those conversations happen, parents say they understand things better. And it’s fun.

FC: What is your greatest success in your role as consultant?

VN: When a parent does reach out and says, “I read this article, or I heard this podcast, and it made such a difference.”